Bulwer-Lytton's Rutabaga Muffins

This year’s winner of my favorite writing contest, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, was just announced. If you’re not familiar with Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, he’s the writer who is credited with penning the infamous introductory phrase, “it was a dark and stormy night.” And the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors his memory by awarding a prize to the worst opening sentence of a piece of fiction. And just to clarify, these sentences are submitted humorously for the purpose of the contest; they are not from actual pieces of fiction.

Perhaps this is my favorite writing contest because it’s the only one I’ve ever won. Well, not the actual contest, but a junior version of it sponsored by the fabulous English teachers at my high school – namely Betsy James and Kris Morella. Because the contest was created (and to this day still) administered by English professors at San Jose State University (in my home town), local high school English teachers were encouraged to hold their own versions of the contest.

I don’t know that I remember the winning sentence exactly, but I’ll try to recreate it to the best of my recollection.

“’Heavens!’ cried Penelope McBaldergibbons as she realized she had burned the rutabaga muffins that she was planning on entering in the county bake-off, an annual event attended by all of the important luminaries of Nixon County where she lived and tried so desperately to earn everyone’s admiration but so rarely did as was apparent from the ruined baked goods.”

This was one of the few things I’ve ever won in my life and I’m actually terribly proud of it. But still I can’t help but be concerned that I earn money as a writer, yet the only writing contest I’ve ever won was for bad writing. But what good bad writing it was.